Think back to your relationship with your parents when you were in elementary, middle, and high school. What were the dynamics in that relationship that worked; what didn’t work? Do you recall ever feeling like your parents just didn’t “get it” or they were not listening to you? Let’s hear it from the wisdom of Will Smith.
So how do we create an open door for communication? First, lead with empathy! Empathy is a great teacher because kids believe they are being heard. Empathy does not look to just “fix” the problem or change the circumstance. Empathy gives your child a safe space to struggle.
What gets in the way of Empathy? Our “stuff:” Personalization (my child must reflect me), Minimization (measuring the importance or acuity based on an adult perspective not a kid perspective), and Judgement (what we think our kids “should” do or what others “should” have done)!
So once you work through your “stuff,” let your child work to solve their own problems. Give the problem back to the child/teen. Maybe state something like, “Wow, this is hard, what do you want to do or how can you get through this?” Only offer advice if they ask for it. Handing the problem back empowers them, and with expressed empathy, they know you “get it” and you are on their team. Let them solve their solvable problem and only take the problem back into your hands if the problem is too big for your child’s developmental stage. What is a problem that is “too big?” A problem that is “too big” is a problem that requires adult help. When you have determined that the problem is “too big” for your child/teen to handle alone that is when you step in and help them solve the problem. For example a child size problem might be someone saying something ugly to them at school, but if this escalates to bullying….the problem changes and requires adult help. If your child/teen is faced with problems that are overwhelming them, and/or your resources, here are some key people that you may want to include in the process: the pediatrician, school counselor, their teachers, school district nurse, and/or a mental health professional. It is never too early or too late to ask for help.
Written by: Cara Wheeler, PsyD
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